I'm tired actually. I know that I haven't been all that productive and that I've been sitting here for hours not getting that much done but i'm tired. and maybe breaks are good. So Ill take a break and do some laundry or something. But I've realized that sitting in front of tv is just going to make the rest of my night totally unproductive so I've actually decided to--gasp--turn it off! I'm definitely watching Once Upon a Time at 7, and right now it's 6, so the next hour can just be spent doing productive things so that when the show comes on I can sit and watch it without feeling all stressed out and without trying to do something that is super stressful.

Wow...it's amazing how much clearer my head feels after turning the tv off. Like believe it or not, I felt like my brain was on overload with it on, trying to do this hard thinking (lesson planning IS "rocket science"!!) of getting my stuff planned and realizing that I can't do it. I can't plan lessons and watch movies at the same time. And now that there is no tv on, no background noise, nothing else to focus on except what I'm writing, I feel GREAT. My head actually feels significantly clearer and I don't feel nearly as stressed about the whole thing. So I'm in a good place now. I just have to do this more often--turn OFF the tv and stop using loneliness and the "need for noise" as an excuse to sit on the couch and waste my whole night staring at the stupid screen. No more tv for now. I just need to focus on getting things done. Man, this feels good. It's amazing how things we don't want to do sometimes, we do them and then we realize how good it feels. I didn't want to turn off the tv but I did, and I feel so good! I'm going to go do laundry.

Note: I'm annoyed at MD. For the past I don't know how many weeks he's been saying "we're going to hang out". Last week he even went so far as to ask me when I'm free outside of work and when I'm free this weekend. I told him Sunday after church. He said he's free Sunday after football practice. And his practice ended at 3, and it's 6, and guess who never heard from him? That would be me. It doesn't bother me that we don't hang out (to be honest I'm not convinced that he's all that interesting of a person), but it bothers me that he keeps saying we're going to and then not following through. I HATE that. But you know, it's a good reminder that I need to get better at follow-through also. I'm sure it annoys other people to no end when I don't do what I say I'll do. Good reminder. Off to do dishes and laundry and lesson plans. And update my to-do list.

wtf. that's all have to say right now. wtf. last night my guy friend was like "can i spend the night at your place"? i was like yeah i don't do sleepovers. we can talk but you have to sleep at your own house. he has the nerve to ask why. i'm like um...cuz i dont do ish like that. i just dont. i know you're gay and everything,  but no man sleeps at my house if he's not blood. and especially not if i didn't invite him myself. dude my ex bf once fell asleep at my house and i was PISSED. when i woke up and saw him there i was like GO HOME. when we got stuck sharing a bed in the chi because our other friends got in a fight, i was pissed. i dont share sleeping areas with dudes. only dude who has slept here because i invited him to is andrew. and he's blood.why was he so insistent? i really don't know. i get that he wants to talk about his issues, and we're friends, so that's okay, but...you can't sleep here. no dude has permission to sleep here. ever.

and then today i get a text from a dude who applied to rent my house, and he wanted to tell me he's looking for a cut buddy. i was like wtf?! no but really though. i don't know why i even engaged him in conversation. but holy cats. you don't even know me. i'm just some chick you met with a pretty house. and you are texting me talking about can we be "friends"? wtf?!? who the f do you think i am? i just told him (in spanish) "i am not one of those kind of women. in my culture, that question is an insult. so if that's the reason you texted me today, you really shouldn't text me anymore." he apologized for offending me. i said goodnight. i was going to ask him to delete my number, but i had already deleted the message chain. oh well.

anyway...i realized something. i've asked the Lord abotu a lot of things, but i've never asked him about who i should date. i've always just sort of done whatever. i'm going to need to start doing that in the future. "Lord is this the right guy?" cuz if he's not, i'm not wasting my time. too old for that mess now.